At church tonight, we sang the song "Lead Me To The Cross". Pastor Ron went up front and talked about the power of the cross...he talked about how there's healing in the cross.
This subject always gets to me and occasionally I find myself questioning. Not doubting. Questioning...
I came to the cross. I poured out my heart. I begged for healing for my little girl. My little girl wasn't healed.
One of the songs I listened to over and over from the day of her diagnosis to the day of her death was the song by Chris Tomlin called "Mighty Is The Power Of The Cross". In the middle of the night while Matt and I drove the LONG drive from Olympia to Tacoma on June 8, 2007...we listened to it then. And I prayed. And prayed. And prayed. I prayed over and over for God to heal her...by the power of His blood...by the power of His cross. I knew He could do it then. I still know it now.
Why? Why didn't He heal her?
"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever". Heb 13:8
He healed then. He can heal now.
But like many moms who have lost a child (perhaps every mom?), every time I hear our pastor or someone else talk about the power of prayer and about how God answers prayer and about how God heals...how can I not question? God didn't answer MY prayer. God didn't heal MY girl.
"The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective" James 5:16.
Am I not righteous? Was my prayer not powerful?
"God gives. God takes. The name of the Lord be ever praised." Job 1:21
The questions will probably always there...and yet will I praise Him.
"But I trust in you, O LORD; I say, "You are my God" Psalm 31:14.
I'll never know. Not in this lifetime.
I'll never understand. Not in the lifetime.
The "why" will always be there...at least in this lifetime.
But there's one thing that I know that I know that I know...
God is still God.
God is still on His throne.
Even though I know that God didn't answer my prayer the way I wanted him to, I still believe He answers prayer.
Even though I know my little girl wasn't healed, I still believe He can and will heal someone else's little girl.
Even though I will always ask why, I still believe there's another mom out there who won't have to.
And yet will I praise Him.
"Praise the Lord, O my soul! With all that is within me, praise His holy name." Psalm 103:1
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Sunday, April 11, 2010
All my children are equally loved
Several times recently, our pastor has talked about how God loves all his children and none are more loved than others. God doesn't love Pastor Dave more than me because Pastor Dave spends more time reading and studying His Bible than I do. God doesn't love Billy Graham who has been saved for decades more than the person who was just saved this morning. God doesn't love one of His children more than another based on the amount of time they have spent with Him. He loves all His children because they are His children. It's that simple. He just loves His children and He wants His children to be with Him.
From the moment I knew Raife was growing inside of me, I loved Him. I loved him because he was mine. He was my child. Raife turned 4 yesterday and I have had 4 years worth of time to hang out with him and play with him and get to know him. Remi will be 2 years old this July. Do I love Raife more than Remi because I've spent more time with Raife? No. Do I love Raife more than Remi because I've known him longer? No. I love them both equally with all my heart because they are my children. It's that simple.
Angeliyah grew inside of me for less than 7 months before she came into this world. And then once she was outside of me, she lived for a mere 32 minutes. I've often wondered how the death of one so little and so young could impact me the way it has. I've often wondered how I could be so devastated and mourn so deeply for a baby who only lived for 32 minutes. For the first year or two after Angeliyah died, I thought perhaps I was mourning what could have been...the life that could have been...the death of dreams I had for her life...etc. I've heard that said about women who miscarriage, that they're mourning the life that would have been and their dreams that have died with their little one. I felt a little bit of that when we lost Raife's twin, Angeliyah's twin, and then when I miscarried baby Reed last summer. I do think that's part of it, but it never really felt like that was what I was mourning when I lost Angeliyah.
I simply mourn for my child.
I simply mourn for the little one that I love so much.
I simply mourn for the little girl that I miss so much.
Not because I don't know where she is. I obviously know she's in Heaven, but she's still my little girl and I wish she were here with me every single day. I love her and want to be with her just like I want to be with my other children.
Some of you may be familiar with Todd and Angie Smith. I've been following Angie's blog since a few months after she lost her baby girl Audrey Caroline on April 7th, 2008. Angie's situation was similar to ours. They recieved a poor diagnosis at their routine ultrasound and learned that their little girl would not be able to survive outside of the womb. They spent the rest of the pregnancy cherishing the time they did have with Audrey and preparing for the short life she would have after birth. Audrey arrived early by c-section just like Angeliyah did. Audrey lived her whole life in 2 hours and 14 minutes and it was beautiful. You can read about Audrey by clicking on the link on the left side of my page that says "Audrey Caroline's Story...Bring The Rain".
I read an article recently in a magazine that my friend Megan gave to me. It was about Todd and Angie and Audrey. In the article Angie mentioned that losing Audrey felt like losing someone she had known and loved her whole life. As soon as I read those words I thought- That's exactly how I've felt! Losing Angeliyah honestly felt like losing someone I had always known and always loved. She was and is a part of me and I mourned her the same I would mourn any of my children. Which brings me back to my first couple paragraphs about how God loves all His children the same...
I love all my children the same. I honestly don't feel more love for Raife or Remi than I do for Angeliyah. They're all my children and I love all of them with all of my heart. It doesn't matter that Angeliyah lived for only 32 minutes and Raife has lived for 4 years and Remi has lived for 21 months. I love them all the same because they're all my children.
I love and miss Angeliyah because she is my child. It's that simple.
From the moment I knew Raife was growing inside of me, I loved Him. I loved him because he was mine. He was my child. Raife turned 4 yesterday and I have had 4 years worth of time to hang out with him and play with him and get to know him. Remi will be 2 years old this July. Do I love Raife more than Remi because I've spent more time with Raife? No. Do I love Raife more than Remi because I've known him longer? No. I love them both equally with all my heart because they are my children. It's that simple.
Angeliyah grew inside of me for less than 7 months before she came into this world. And then once she was outside of me, she lived for a mere 32 minutes. I've often wondered how the death of one so little and so young could impact me the way it has. I've often wondered how I could be so devastated and mourn so deeply for a baby who only lived for 32 minutes. For the first year or two after Angeliyah died, I thought perhaps I was mourning what could have been...the life that could have been...the death of dreams I had for her life...etc. I've heard that said about women who miscarriage, that they're mourning the life that would have been and their dreams that have died with their little one. I felt a little bit of that when we lost Raife's twin, Angeliyah's twin, and then when I miscarried baby Reed last summer. I do think that's part of it, but it never really felt like that was what I was mourning when I lost Angeliyah.
I simply mourn for my child.
I simply mourn for the little one that I love so much.
I simply mourn for the little girl that I miss so much.
Not because I don't know where she is. I obviously know she's in Heaven, but she's still my little girl and I wish she were here with me every single day. I love her and want to be with her just like I want to be with my other children.
Some of you may be familiar with Todd and Angie Smith. I've been following Angie's blog since a few months after she lost her baby girl Audrey Caroline on April 7th, 2008. Angie's situation was similar to ours. They recieved a poor diagnosis at their routine ultrasound and learned that their little girl would not be able to survive outside of the womb. They spent the rest of the pregnancy cherishing the time they did have with Audrey and preparing for the short life she would have after birth. Audrey arrived early by c-section just like Angeliyah did. Audrey lived her whole life in 2 hours and 14 minutes and it was beautiful. You can read about Audrey by clicking on the link on the left side of my page that says "Audrey Caroline's Story...Bring The Rain".
I read an article recently in a magazine that my friend Megan gave to me. It was about Todd and Angie and Audrey. In the article Angie mentioned that losing Audrey felt like losing someone she had known and loved her whole life. As soon as I read those words I thought- That's exactly how I've felt! Losing Angeliyah honestly felt like losing someone I had always known and always loved. She was and is a part of me and I mourned her the same I would mourn any of my children. Which brings me back to my first couple paragraphs about how God loves all His children the same...
I love all my children the same. I honestly don't feel more love for Raife or Remi than I do for Angeliyah. They're all my children and I love all of them with all of my heart. It doesn't matter that Angeliyah lived for only 32 minutes and Raife has lived for 4 years and Remi has lived for 21 months. I love them all the same because they're all my children.
I love and miss Angeliyah because she is my child. It's that simple.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Otto and Raife all grown up
This picture was taken of Raife and his buddy Otto on November 17, 2007:
This picture was taken of Raife and his buddy Otto on November 15, 2009:
How to ride a 2 wheeler...
It takes several steps to learn to ride a bike. First of all, you gotta learn to ride on 4 wheels...
Whoops! Not backwards though...you gotta face forward.
There. Much Better.
Next, you gotta learn to grip the handles real tight and not let go...
Now, find the right size of bicycle.
This one is much too small...
This one is MUCH too big.
This one is even bigger!
Ahhhh...now this one is JUST right!
Next, you need to build some BIG muscles
and after lots of practice, it should go something like...
THIS!!!
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